Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
