I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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