remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
