separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
