I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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