I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
