Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
