i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
