no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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