In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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