My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Everything about him screamed your future.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
