She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
