I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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