Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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