I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
