I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
