my soul wont recognize me after tonight
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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