What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
