New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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