I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I enjoy the company of your penis
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