so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
