tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
