When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
