Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
