I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
