how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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