It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
