My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
