my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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