Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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