This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He felt like a one man threesome
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
