I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
