Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
