Just fell off a train. Bad.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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