I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize