I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
