Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
