If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
