I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
