Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
