What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
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You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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