I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
