YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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