So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
