My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
