im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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