So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
