White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
