I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
