I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
