The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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