Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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