I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Enjoy the penises
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
