You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
