this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
