So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
