2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize