I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
