does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She even gives head with a lisp.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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