What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
