There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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