i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
