He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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