Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
