Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
